I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
