so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
