My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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