From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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