I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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