last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
