Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
