I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
