Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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