my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
