Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
