sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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