I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
