you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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