Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
