time to smoke my breakfast
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
