I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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