You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
