I think I died a long time ago.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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