Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
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Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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