I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
