my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
