Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize