how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
