Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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