im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
