I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
