I just threw up on my dentist
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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