i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
