if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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