Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
