We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
