im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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