I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
