ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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