I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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