How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
