Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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