She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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