Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
