Texts From Last Night

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  (713): View more from Texas

  my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.

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  (713): my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute. http://tfl.nu/ldey
  Replies (12) Good night (2626) Bad night (660)
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  (607): View more from New York

  I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"

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  (607): I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy" http://tfl.nu/7l02
  Replies (35) Good night (4485) Bad night (639)
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  (310): View more from California

  i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.

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  (310): i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito. http://tfl.nu/9mvh
  Replies (15) Good night (4570) Bad night (1030)
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK

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  (517): she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK http://tfl.nu/ybgq
  Replies (65) Good night (888) Bad night (8850)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.

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  (208): She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible. http://tfl.nu/a9zl
  Replies (41) Good night (894) Bad night (9248)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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  (937): I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens. http://tfl.nu/zmnj
  Replies (18) Good night (6689) Bad night (1169)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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  (609): it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores http://tfl.nu/lmvr
  Replies (10) Good night (3311) Bad night (842)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.

  (1-316): View more from Kansas

  Yeah I'm going to bathe him.

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  (316): I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong. (1-316): Yeah I'm going to bathe him. http://tfl.nu/s84m
  Replies (6) Good night (3796) Bad night (877)
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine

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  (403): You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine http://tfl.nu/d0ou
  Replies (23) Good night (2905) Bad night (1346)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.

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  (910): You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear. http://tfl.nu/21wf
  Replies (3) Good night (990) Bad night (2727)
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  (916): View more from California

  I can already almost taste penis in my mouth

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  (916): I can already almost taste penis in my mouth http://tfl.nu/o1w6
  Replies (10) Good night (2328) Bad night (1018)
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.

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  (225): Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u. http://tfl.nu/ux68
  Replies (17) Good night (1090) Bad night (2666)
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  (646): View more from New York

  Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

  (347): View more from New York

  I can't even drink.

  (646): View more from New York

  The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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  (646): Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom (347): I can't even drink. (646): The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples. http://tfl.nu/1cwa
  Replies (10) Good night (1904) Bad night (576)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head

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  (703): His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head http://tfl.nu/cxta
  Replies (10) Good night (526) Bad night (1323)
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  (320): View more from Minnesota

  You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.

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  (320): You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick. http://tfl.nu/jc99
  Replies (3) Good night (618) Bad night (205)

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