this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...