I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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