I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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