you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
