I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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