i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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