i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
