For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
