I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
