new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
