Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
