You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
