remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
