I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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