In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
