I smell stomach acid.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
