don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
